So, I was sitting in BYC, feeling guided to be more diligent with our less-active girls & to have more vision for them becoming more active. I was hopeful and happy, and full of the Spirit; then I had a super dumb moment: I saw Jane come in w/ Dad & the girls--no socks, weird hair pulled back into a never-gonna-last ponytail. I yanked off her shoes & said she HAD to wear socks if she was going to get rid of her toe fungus, then yanked out her hair to redo. Dad then felt stung (of course) since he was only criticized for what he tried to help out with. I apologized, but hopelessly, & felt so BEYOND hope--like I could never learn to love the right way, to control my impatience, to have the right priorities, etc., etc. I just kept crying right through Sac Mtg (I'm sure everyone thought they were missionary-missing tears---which they have usually been this week). In short, I detested myself, and really felt without hope. I very nearly left church--I could barely stand being there, and I kept thinking, "If Jane needs to go to the bathroom, I'll take her out & we'll go home for those socks. But the choir was singing, so I decided to wait until we were done with that, and then there was only one speaker, and Dad's his ministering brother, so I felt like he needed more support than me looking into my teary lap, so I kind of tried to watch him attentively. He spoke (again ;) ) on self-reliance, and as he was describing that self-reliance included having & using tools to solve problems, I TRIED for a minute to have hope and perspective--that I KNEW how to get through these muddles even though I was FEELING like there was nothing worth doing. I went through a few ideas through my head, but nothing was really getting traction or making me feel the Spirit again.
(and Jane never did need to go to the bathroom--haha). I at least had enough sanity to realize Jane's socks would be fine for a couple of hours, and I WISHED I could've taken back my little rant over things that just don't matter. I hadn't started off feeling mad at anyone, but my impatience sure made it look that way!
Went to Sunday School where at least I wasn't crying anymore, and to YW, where the light from all those girls ALWAYS heals my heart a little. We sang "Peace in Christ" as our Opening Song, and with my heart so mushed up to softness, those words started to sink in. I KNOW there is always hope and peace through Christ, but that feeling of hopelessness and discouragement is also SO real that it's hard to believe in some moments. Carrissa taught the lesson on "How can I find solutions to my challenges & problems" where we first went over a section on spiritual darkness & how to guard against it in a talk "Bearers of LIght" by Elder Uchtdorf, where he perfectly described all the things I'd been feeling: that I had nothing to give, losing sight of joy & perspective. In hindsight, it seems ridiculous that one little minute could shake my whole day up, but that discouragement was huge! We talked about how darkness cannot exist with light, and then watched a clip of a Face to Face w/ Elder Holland and Pres. Eyring where they answered "How do I battle feelings of not being enough?" They gave (ME) answers: THAT'S the POINT!--that we are NOT enough--without the Atonement and Spiritual Gifts and the sacrament. That we are here to support each other, and not to underestimate our family on both sides of the veil, and that even the Prophet Joseph (this was filmed in Palmyra) thought, as he prayed in the sacred grove that HE WAS ABOUT TO BE DESTROYED, but "exerting ALL HIS POWER" he PRAYED--and that preceded the miracle of the First Vision. So, even when I feel that hopeless--I can exert power to pray, I can have hope that things will change. There IS an opponent to our success, and it does take battling. Carrissa felt so strongly about changing the topic of the lesson this week to that one, and I was a bit embarrassed to have the LAUREL lesson need to be just for me, but it was a tender mercy for me, swimming in my weaknesses, and wondering how to go on. The Spirit strengthened and lifted and warmed me. I rode home w/ Dear Diana, who always buoys me up with her great perspective, and has had miraculous feelings of connecting with a less-active family with Beehives which brought me back to those positive thoughts I'd had that morming! What a complete transition. I still wish I hadn't messed up on something so insignificant, but it made the relief that much more precious.
Then I came home and got a picture of YOU posted by Elder Bell's mom, which was the best part of the day. We connected and shared info, which made me feel more connected to you, so all is well.
Love you so much!! Love the hope of the Gospel! You are amazing! Have a great week, and look for the Brough's on Turkey Day--helping out with your service project! Love, Mom
Recital pics and one on your setting apart night
No comments:
Post a Comment